Parents Tell Four-Year-Old She's Not Special, Just 'Adequate Enough to Pay Rent Someday'

SEATTLE - Tired of their four-year-old daughter "bragging" about wanting to be a princess, local mother Mindy Pinkerton and father Daniel Pinkerton crushed their daughters hopes and dreams by explaining "it's about time she grows up" and realizes that she's not special

Economists Warn Tariffs May Increase Prices, Trump Says: “Just Stop Buying Stuff”

As economists across the country raise alarms over the potential cost of President Donald Trump’s latest round of proposed tariffs, the president offered a characteristically unconventional solution on Friday: “Just stop buying stuff.” At a press conference, Trump unveiled a sweeping proposal to expand tariffs on countries he described

Trump Says Stranded Astronauts are Pure Evil After Finding Out they Voted for Harris

WASHINGTON - After praising the astronauts that were stuck in space for nine months, President Trump invited the astronauts to the White House and to a press conference Sunday morning. During the press conference Trump went from praising the astronauts to saying that the astronauts are "pure evil"

Trump Administration Withdraws Nomination for CDC Director After it's Revealed that Nominee is an Expert

WASHINGTON - The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump's recent nominee, Bryan Whitmore, from consideration for Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) due to the discovery that Whitmore has several decades of experience as an infectious disease expert. "We

Local Man Successfully Assembles IKEA Furniture Without Swearing Once

SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled. “I just don’

NSA Releases Statement Urging Americans to “Stop Picking Your Nose While Using Your Computer”

The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.” “Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy Haugh declared during a

It’s Time to Bring Back the Most Humane Form of Capital Punishment - Firing Squads

Not only is the firing squad more humane, it’s also a return to proud American traditions. When we live in such an individualistic society, there’s something refreshingly intimate about a group of dedicated marksmen coming together to complete a task by hand. No computers, no bureaucratic delays -

Trump Suggests Ukraine Conflict Could Be Resolved Over a ‘Nice Steak Dinner’ if Zelensky Pays Check

WASHINGTON - After a tumultuous meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and President Donald Trump, Trump stated during his congressional address that having a “nice steak dinner” could lead to the brokering of a peace deal with Russia. Trump, who claimed to have "brokered the best deals, the very

Washington Post Opinion Section to Only Post Articles About Jeff Bezos' Washboard Abs

WASHINGTON – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire’s transformation from tech nerd to

Maybe If We Just Ignore Climate Change, It Will Go Away Like My Ex Did

Look, I get it. Climate change is a looming existential threat, the planet is warming, and we’re all supposed to do something about it. But hear me out: What if we just... didn’t? I mean, ignoring problems has worked for me in the past. My student loans? Haven’

God to Trump: 'You're Making Me Look Bad Up Here'

HEAVEN - In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with President Donald Trump, lamenting that his continued invocation of divine support is causing a “serious branding issue” for the kingdom of heaven. “Look, I’m omnipotent and all that, but even I have limits when it

Trump Orders Remote Working Federal Employees to be Abducted from Homes and Brought Back to Office

WASHINGTON - As a follow up to President Trump’s recent executive order forcing federal employees to work in person five days a week, Trump has issued another executive order mandating that all federal employees that are still working remotely be forcibly abducted from their homes and returned to government